Pregnancy Things TV Didn't Tell Me...
Many of my girl friends do not have kids yet, and I've been a bit of a guinea pig in the process. Therefore, the things I have learned along the way have been quite educational for us all- so I thought I'd share some of the things I have learned in the past 9 months of my life...
One of our initial conversations revolved around a day which is now pretty close: all of the entertaining places my waters could break! I think it's one of those classic things that first pops into people's minds when they think about pregnancy (it'd never be a 'Pointless' answer!)
Yet I've since been informed that it is pretty unlikely my waters will break until much later in labour?! Now that's not what happens on TV! And apparently the event is more likely to be a 'trickle' than a gush! That's ok because even the word 'gush' is pretty hideous...however, I do feel a bit tricked as I was told I'd get free shopping if I had a dramatic-water-breaking-incident in a supermarket!
Talking of supermarkets, my husband has become rather unimpressed at the strange array of items I have brought home from them. On top of that, we do an online weekly shop so these sudden supermarket sprees are a result of weird cravings: an expensive new hobby!
Interestingly, my husband hasn't complained in the last three weeks, when I have pretty much demanded McChicken Nugget Meals as a regular lunchtime requirement, whereby he receives a McChicken Sandwich Meal (with an additional cheese burger!) as a compromise for driving me there!
TV does feature pregnant women cravings, granted. TV does not feature, however, the result that some of these cravings can lead to.
Around week 15 of pregnancy, I was sitting in front of my Doctor (at an 'emergency' appointment) complaining of terribly stingy pee. Doc couldn't find a problem, so when he asked what I'd eaten I recalled a beef stew...a couple of chocolate bars...a banana- and THEN- *dig-a-hole moment* I remembered the fact that I'd been consuming popping candy by the tub-load for the past few evenings...his professional opinion told me not to do that anymore. Lo and behold, that turned out to be good advice! Thank you, NHS.
What this does lead me on to is that TV never told me that being pregnant would send me into a state of hypochondria. As we have established, I got stingy pee. I rushed to the Doc. At one point, I also got a rash. I rushed to the Doc. According to my reliable resource base (Google) I was having symptoms that must mean I have pre-eclampsia or an imploding bladder! Although these symptoms do need to be checked as they can indicate nasty things, my rash turned out to be- again, professional words- 'just a rash.' Sorry, Doc.
But this is probably the biggest thing I have learned about pregnancy so far- that it is so full of fear: fear of carrying such precious cargo; fear of my body; fear of other bodies; fear of blood tests....the list seems absolutely endless. Famous last words, but I am usually a very laid back person- I never knew being pregnant would have this dementor-effect on me.
And as you can start to see, search engines only add to this bizarre behaviour. TV never told me that the vast majority of a pregnant woman's evenings are spent glued to a phone screen (it can't just be me?!) because Google has become an obsession.
Google has hundreds of different answers for the hundreds of different ways I can word the same question. And then I can sift through hundreds of pages to find an answer I decide will be appropriate to me. E.G.
Google search bar: 'Is the baby's head engaged?' 'How do you know when the baby has dropped?' 'What does it mean when the baby's head is low?'
Answer on page 4 of results: 'You must be starting labour!'
Me: 'Yes that must be it!'
4 weeks later...
Something educational I did learn from my searches was all about the mucas plug (sounds pleasant enough?!)
I'm still yet to see this alien bit of kit. Google it for a delightful definition, or (even better?!) look it up on Google Images if you want to bring up your breakfast.
Alternatively, I can now bring up my breakfast by eating a full English- my new party trick! TV does do justice to morning sickness- and I had 21 lovely weeks of it. However, what TV never told me is the grin-and-bare-it-attitude I would need to adopt each morning, when I would rock up to work, make immediate use of the 'facilities,' wipe the sick from my face, then proceed to teach lessons slurping at ginger tea and consuming jaffa cakes, eyeing up the nearest bin!
To avoid a 'vomit theatre' situation in front of my classes, I also developed a strategy called, 'I'm Just Running to the Photocopier.' Mainly this involved me putting on a performance that made my paperwork look extremely urgent, running out of the classroom clutching my mouth in SHOCK that I hadn't photocopied my sheet of paper!!
In reality all I was doing was clutching my mouth, willing the staff toilets to save me. I must have a hidden talent for acting because my students never realised.
I would say it was quite surprising that they never seemed to notice that I had no copied paper on my return...but we all know that the teacher leaving the room momentarily is the cue for a chat... a quick sing-a-long...a paper plane...anything but work really.
So far, I'm wary this blog post all sounds a bit negative, which would be wholly untrue of my experiences. In fact, I have been very 'text book' and all has been fine thus far.
However, I've just been surprised at how much I didn't realise about it all.
From the media, I'd been under the impression that pregnant women just ate weird food, got a bit sick, got big bellies, got bigger breasts...
And although all of this is true, there's just SO much more to it than that- there's SO much more in the detail.
My farmer husband has referenced me to the cattle several times, as my body apparently now does similar things to an impregnated cow! Unfortunately, I can kind of see where he's coming from and I can relate to the cattle at present- I just hope he doesn't come near me with the farm forceps.
One of the final things I have learned about are 'braxton hicks contractions.' These are 'false' contractions that not everybody feels, but whereby your uterus is 'practising' for labour because it's clever like that! I knew nothing about these things until half way through my pregnancy when my stomach transformed before my very eyes! The entire thing tightened and launched its way up into the middle of my tummy, which genuinely looked like the baby had set up a scout tent from the inside!
I have lots of these braxtons now and wonder how long baby will 'camp out' in there for.
With 5 days to go until my supposed due date, I'm still not 'over' how amazing the whole process is. I feel like I have learned so much about myself biologically, instinctively, physically and emotionally.
It's all just so insane. It's all so animal, yet so human at the same time.
Pregnant or not, I can definitely conclude that bodies are the craziest gifts we've got!
